Kahwin is never on my priority list before...

When I finished my degree, in fact before graduated I already listed down all my dreams and ambitions to be achieved. There are long list consists of material and spiritual achievements that I wish to achieve. I am very focus with my dreams, I am very dedicated to achieve what I wants, and I am will make sure all my dreams come true (dengan izin Allah)...

Here are my priority lists:-
1. To finished my MICPA asap (soon...hopefully)
2. To obtained my MBA no matter how late it will be
3. To become manager of EY at the age of 30 (huhuhuhu)
4. To buy car (bought already-no need expensive car coz car is a liability not an asset)
5. To buy house s(investment property-so should be more than 1)
6. To bring my parents to Haj (now I only have chance to bring my mother)
7. To take care of my parents and give them happiness (become a good daughter for mak)
8. To take care of my adik until he graduate
9. To spare my excess money for charity purpose
10. To build charity house for orphanage after SPM (teenage orphanage house-my biggest dream which I wish I can realised it)

By looking at my priority list, its require sacrifactions, it needs full commitment and I really focus towards it.

But it was before, it was before you come to my life, it was before I know your feeling towards me. So, can you imagine how hard it was for me to rearrange my priority list to include you as part of it. That's the reason why I cant accept you at the first place, even tough I also have the same feeling towards you all this while :((... I am a very focus person. I have my target and I really work towards it no matter how hard it is.

When you come to my life, I become blur...I am not sure what to do next, I don't know how to put you under my priority lists, I don't how to fight with my feeling at that time. It's not easy...suddenly I shocked with the situation that happens in my life. I don't know how to act, I am not sure how to face it. I never thought of this thing to happen, I never thought that I have to go through this phase, I never thought of my own family. For me, having a great parents, supportive and lovely sibblings are enough.

Later, i realise....all my thought was wrong.

When angah get married, even tough she stay near to my house, I still feel a lost. She used to be my bestfren, she always there when I need a shoulder to cry on, she always lend me money whenever I need it, she always ready for me. But then, after she got 2 daughters, her commitment towards her family increase, she cant spent more time with me...

Then along get married. Hmmmm...he used to be a lovely brother for me. I am quite pampered to him before. Now, along stay at Johor. Far away from me, can't really spend time with him, can't always meet him. Somemore, he also have his own commitment towards his family. But never mind, I still have mak, ayah (before ayah passed away) & adik at that time.

Adik registered to KPTM...another person left me. I feel quite boring, when I came back from office, I just stay in my room and spending my time so lonely. I always called adik to ask him to come home and have a great chit chat and dinner time with him.

Later, ayah has left me. The person that I love most in this world has left me. This is what its called qada' and qadar. I have to accept it no matter how hard it is. It's true, kita merancang Tuhan yang menentukan. I have planned so many things to be done for mak & ayah, I have so many dreams with them. In fact, all this while what I have done and will doing are for them. For mak & ayah.

Maybe this is a time for me to accept you as part of my life. You can never replace those who have left me. You can never be my ayah for me because he is the greatest one, you can never be my along for me because he is the only older brother that I have in this world and hereafter and you can never be my adik who always cheered my life with his immatured attitudes. But now I am trying to accept the fact that you are going to be my life partner in this world and hereafter. I am trying to put you under my prority lists, I am trying to re-arrange my priority lists so that you will help me and will be on my side to achieve all my dreams.

Hope my dreams will come true and I will not be alone on my way to achieve it. And kahwin and my own family will be my priority list after this. Hehehehehe...

Pelangi Kehidupan

Pertama kali mendengar lagu ni sewaktu menyaksikan drama Qalesya pada bulan Ramadhan yang lalu. Lirik lagu ini sungguh menyentuh jiwa. Bait-bait liriknya menggambarkan perasaan aku pada masa ini. Setiap kata-kata yang keluar dari penyanyinya benar-benar membuatkan hatiku tersentuh.

Inilah perasaanku pada masa ini...

NO ENTRY

Sudah lama rasanya tak menulis di blog...terlalu banyak perkara yang berlaku dalam hidup ini sehinggakan aku tidak punya masa untuk diri sendiri. Tapi tak mengapa, lebih banyak masa kita luangkan untuk org lain...moga2 org lain juga akan punya banyak masa utk diluangkan dengan aku nanti...

2010...pada awalnya terlalu banyak perancangan yang aku aturkan di awal tahun, terlalu banyak impian yang ingin aku capai sepanjang tahun ini, terlalu banyak yang ingin dikecapi pada tahun ini. Walau bagaimanapun, benarlah kata orang Kita Hanya Merancang, Tuhan Yang Akan Menentukan. Terlalu banyak perkara diluar dugaan, perkara yang langsung tidak terlintas di fikiran ku, perkara yang aku sendiri masih belum bersedia lagi telah berlaku pada tahun ini.

Sungguh hebat ujian daripadaMu Ya Alla pada aku. Tetapi sesungguhnya aku yakin, ujian dan dugaan yang Kau turunkan menunjukkan tanda kasihMu pada aku, mengingatkan aku yang sering lalai dan alpa terhadapMu dan untuk mengejutkan aku dari perbaringan yang selesa. Ujian dan dugaan yang berlaku juga telah banyak mematangkan aku, menjadikan aku seorang yang lebih penyabar (mudah2an) dan menyebabkan aku menjadi lebih bersedia pada hari2 mendatang untuk menerima apa jua qada' dan qadar Mu.

Walau bagaimanapun, aku masih bersyukur kerana dengan ujian dan dugaan itulah aku menjadi lebih ingat padaMu Ya Allah. Dengan ujian dan dugaan itulah aku mempunyai lebih kekuatan untuk meneruskan kehidupan di dunia ini.

Ayah telah pergi selama-lamanya mengadap Ilahi pada 26 July 2010 (bersamaan 15 Syaaban 1431 H). Satu kehilangan besar dalam hidup aku. Pemergian insan yang paling aku sayang di dunia ini untuk menunaikan janji Tuhan Yang Maha Esa (setiap yang hidup pasti akan menemui mati). Pemergian ayah telah menyebabkan aku hilang arah tujuan pada awalnya. Kehilangan ayah menyebabkan aku merasakan diri ini keseorangan. Aku yang merupakan anak kesayangan ayah pastinya merupakan anak yang paling rapat dengan ayah dan pemergiaannya menjadikan kehidupan aku agak huru hara pada awalnya.

Apa yang lebih menyedihkan, aku tidak berada di sisi ayah pada saat2 ayah menghembuskan nafas yang terkahir, Panggilan telefon yang aku terima daripada adik pada jam 2.50pm yang menyuruh aku balik dengan segera rupa2nya satu panggilan yang diterima apabila ayah telahpun mengadap Ilahi. Tetapi adik tidak memberitahu apa2 padaku, hanya pesanan Balik sekarang!. Sampai dirumah, aku tengok ramai pakcik2 dan makcik2 jiran berada dihadapan rumah. Aku mengesyaki sesuatu tetapi aku positifkan hati dan terus melangkah masuk. Setibanya dimuka pintu, ku lihat satu tubuh terbujur kaku di atas katil dengan muka bertutup... Ya Allah!!! aku tersandar sebentar dimuka pintu. Pakcik2 yang ada disitu menyuruh aku bersabar dan akhirnya mak menyuruh aku masuk. Barulah aku masuk dan memeluk mak sekuatnya.

Aku langsung tidak menyangka ayah akan pergi secepat ini. Aku langsung tidak menduga pertanyaan ayah di waktu selepas aku bersalam dan menciumnya untuk pergi ke kerja merupakan sapaan terkahir ayah padaku. Ayah bertanya kemana aku hendak pergi pada pagi itu selepas aku bersalaman dengannya. Aku menyatakan, "hari nikan hari isnin, acek nak g kje la" Ayah hanya mengangguk dan senyum. Kalaulah kutahu ayah akan pergi pada hari itu, pastinya aku tidak akan pergi bekerja. Tetapi benarlah, Allah mempunyai peracangan sendiri untuk hambaNya. Allah Maha Mengetahui apa yang terbaik untuk hambaNya. Allah Maha Adil dalam menentukan qada' dan qadar hambaNya.

Hebat sungguh ujianMu Ya Allah. Tinggi sungguh dugaan yang Kau beri padaku. Cuma kekuatan dan kesabaran yang aku pinta daripadaMu Ya Allah. Semoga aku menjadi insan yang lebih tabah, sabar dan kuat untuk menghadapi apa jua ujian dan dugaanMu nanti. Semoga aku memiliki kekuatan untuk menghadapi hari2 mendatang tanpa kehadiran orang yang aku sayangi di sisi ini. Semoga aku mempunyai lebih kekuatan untuk memberikan sedikit kekuatan itu pada mak yang aku pasti lebih merasakan kehilangan ayah. Dan semoga aku menjadi lebih yakin padaMu Ya Allah dan sentiasa mengharapkan pertolongan daripadaMu setiap masa.

Sesungguhnya aku redha dengan apa yang telah ditetapkan untuk aku. Aku terima ketentuan takdir yang telah disediakan untuk aku. Aku pasrah dalam apa jua yang telah Engkau tetapkan untukku.

Semoga aku sentiasa menjadi insan yang bersyukur dan berterima kasih kepadaMu Ya Allah walau sebesar mana ujian yang akan Kau berikan padaku.

~launching ceremony~

Wake up early in the morning. Having breakfast, take the car's key, start the engine & the journey is begin. Before that, where is the map that I draw yesterday? Must bring the map, if not, sure I will be lost. Saujana Impian, Kajang is my destination for this morning. I must reach there before 9.00 am.

Reached there at 8.25am, drive like crazy at 120km/h at GrandSaga Highway. Launching ceremony of Akasia double storey house will be begin at 9.00am. Along asked me to call Liza before that. She gave me my number. She said, when the ceremony is begin, wait for your number to be called and you can choose the remaining lots. My number is 48...meaning 47 people before me will choose their house. According to Along, just choose any lot, think as the house is yours. Choose the best lot. OK!

After waiting for almost an hour, finally number 48, please come to the front. Akhirnya....I go in front with adik, the staff there ask me to choose the lot. By using the authority given, I choose the lot. Next to end lot, the second raw (very hard to imagine, so no need to imagine). Then, I go to the next counter. Still need to wait again, for the form filling process. After he took all the details, he ask me to go to the counter to make booking fees. No need to wait at the booking counter. When it comes to payment, they must be very fast. Hehehehe...

Next, lawyer counter. Need to see lawyer to sign S&P. Since I am doing on behalf, nothing to sign. The lawyer just open the file and she ask my along to call her to discuss on the signing agreement. During te ceremony also, many bankers come to offer loan to the buyers. Hmmm...quite easy to purchase the house. Everything is ready for you. The hardest thing is MONEY...

Such a great experience. So, next time...when I have an opportunity to buy a house, it will be easy. Hopefully one day I will have a chance to go to the house launching ceremony to buy my own house. Heee..

Magnetic Resonance Angiogram (MRA)

Ayah was admitted again to hospital on 31 May 2010. According to the appointment arranged by the doctor, ayah need to carry out MRA. It is merely a scanning process of the kidney. Below are the articles that I have found in the website to share with everybody.

A magnetic resonance angiogram (MRA) is a type of magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) scan that uses a magnetic field and pulses of radio wave energy to provide pictures of blood vessels inside the body. In many cases MRA can provide information that cannot be obtained from an X-ray, ultrasound, or computed tomography (CT) scan.

MRA can find problems with the blood vessels that may be causing reduced blood flow. With MRA, both the blood flow and the condition of the blood vessel walls can be seen. The test is often used to look at the blood vessels that go to the brain, kidneys, and legs. Information from an MRA can be saved and stored on a computer for further study. Photographs of selected views can also be made.

During MRA, the area of the body being studied is placed inside an MRI machine. Contrast material is often used during MRA to make blood vessels show up more clearly.

A magnetic resonance angiogram (MRA) is done to look for:

· A bulge (aneurysm), clot, or the buildup of fat and calcium deposits (stenosis caused by plaque) in the blood vessels leading to the brain.

· An aneurysm or tear (dissection) in the aorta, which carries blood from the heart to the rest of the body.

· Narrowing (stenosis) of the blood vessels leading to the lungs, kidneys, or legs

This is MRI machine...

round table

What is this? This term I was heard for the first time when I first join Ernst & Young 3 years ago. Its sounds nothing, but it will give big impact to the EY's staff.

Today is my first time attending EYTC round table. Huhuhuhu, I was promoted to senior last year, so this year I have the opportunity to take part in the round table to talk about my junior (associate) performance for current year 2010. When I first walk into the meeting room, I feel a bit scared. How the round table will be conducted, what should I say about my junior, can I keep the discussion in the meeting room confidental. There are so many question running inside my head.

The round table run smoothly. I am able to make myself comfortable and participate in the discussion. Now only I know, how is our performance being evaluated. Now only I know how the discussion is take place before they decide whether the individual staff is eligible for promotion or not. Wah, it is such a hard decision to make. Of course as a human being, I have full of symphatetic feelings towards my juniors, but I must tell the superiors the truth so that it will reflect the individual staff actual performance, so that the eligible staff will get promoted and so that those not eligible one will work harder and perform better in the future.

It is such a good experience and I feel very happy because I have the opportunity to participate in the round table discussion this year. After we talk about junior staff, now is senior staff's turn. So that, managers and directors ask us to leave the room and they will start talking about my performance. It's scary man. What they are going to talk about me. What will they say about my performance. Will I get promoted this year. All the questions will be answered end of this year when I am going to receive letter from HR. I dont want to put so much hope, scared I will feel demotivaed when I din get what I expected. I just hope, I will get what I deserve to get.

Just wait & see...

- thanks for your understanding dear, I appreciate it -

Saya : Ayah saya da keluar dari hospital. Kalau buat masa sekarang, saya fokus pada mak ayah saya, awak OK kan? Mungkin kita patut hold dulu tentang kita.

Awak: Itu yang terbaik saya rasa. Jalankan tanggungjawab awak sebagai seorang anak dlu.

Saya: Thanks dear :))

How lucky I am to have you by my side. Thanks for your understanding dear. Thanks for your patient. I appreciate it.